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Broken Heart 101

HELP WITH INTENSE FEELINGS, RECURRING THOUGHTS, GRIEVING

by Dawn J. Lipthrott, LCSW

Set a time each day to do the work of grieving. Make it a time you can be alone in your room or outside and a time in which you will not be disturbed. Allow at least 15 minutes and not more than an hour. In the very beginning you may not be able to do this, but create a time and space for griefwork as soon as possible. Your feelings and grief deserve a time and place to be honored and paid attention to. You also begin to take charge of your grief work. You choose the time and place to do the work instead of it taking charge of you. When thoughts, feelings come up outside that allotted time, make a note of them so that you remember to work with it in your next grief work time.

For some of the suggestions below that call for physical expression, pick a time and a place when your children are not present or you may scare them! You may want to do some of the work with a therapist, or with a trusted friend who can be comfortable just allowing you to express strong emotion. You have to take actions to take care of yourself. If you begin some of the work and it feels too overwhelming or scary for you, stop and take action to get what you need to help you feel safe doing it. Work with less scary methods if you need to.

1. Start a journal about this journey.

Write, draw about your feelings and thoughts.

Write letters to your pain, anger, sadness, depression, God, loneliness, sexuality, to your past relationship, to the future, to your fears. to your strengths.

Write 'poor me' letters, poison pen letters saying all the bad things you wish would happen to your spouse, tragic tales, etc.

Write love letters, pouring out the love you've had in the past and may still feel at some level.

Write a letter in your journal describing the gifts and blessings in your life right now.

Write a letter thanking your spouse for what you are gaining and could possibly gain from this divorce. (This is not to send--just for your journal!)

Write in 'poetry form': Start your entry with something like:

"Clouds around the moon. . . ."

"A leaf nestled in the arms of the tree. . ."

"Pain is a . . ."

Make lists of things you're angry, sad, hurt, about: Here are a few sentence stems to create lists. Take one at a time (or create others that work for you) and write until you've exhausted everything you can think of to say about that. Because grieving is a process, you may use the same sentence stems at different stages and come up with new things to say!

"I hate that. . ." "I'm mad that. . ." "I'm hurt that. . ."

"I'm sad that. . ." "I'm afraid that. . ." "I wish that. . ."

"I need. . ." "I want. . ." "I'm glad that. . ."

2. Use the 'empty chair' technique: Place an empty chair in front of you and imagine the person, God, the feeling, etc. to be in that chair. (You may want to place a photo or symbol in the chair to help you.) Talk to that person or thing, saying everything you want to say at that time. Yell, blame, whatever you need to do.

3. When you feel like you are 'stuck' in a feeling or thought, try the following:

Either inside or outdoors walk or sit still and simply count every object you lay your eyes on. You notice a tree-1, a leaf-2, the bug by your foot-3, etc. Keep counting without lingering or thinking about the object until you feel 'done' counting. You might feel done at 20 or at 200!

Then as you focus your attention again on the objects around you, instead of counting, say something to that object. Example: "You are a stupid tree sitting there doing nothing." "You are such a blah color." etc. Continue until you feel 'done'.

The object of this is not so much that you have any insight, but that you focus your attention outward to the objects around you. It forces your attention out, and helps you step out of being stuck inside.

4. Another way to focus attention outward is to go for a walk and to notice things as if for the first time. Touch them, smell them.

5. Put on music and act out your feelings through movement. Then act out what you want to feel instead. You can also 'pray' through movement and music allowing your movements to express whatever is inside you to God.

6. Learn a form of meditation or centering prayer--a word to which you can keep returning your attention.

7. Create a box that is a 'burial ground' for unwanted intruding thoughts or feelings. Keep slips of paper nearby and when the thought or feeling 'intrudes', simply write it down briefly and 'bury' it in the box.

8. Make time to fully experience your feelings. Put on sad music and let yourself cry.

9. Create 'grieving periods'. Create a time when you can be alone to look through mementos of your relationship and let yourself feel what you feel and express it. You may want a friend in the house, but in another room so that you can feel free to feel and express what you need to. They are there just as a support if you need them.

10. See a counselor with whom you feel comfortable talking about what's going on for you.

11. For anger, some people find it helpful to pound a pillow with their hands, to use a foam bat to strike a photo, to simply scream out their rage (in car with windows rolled up is great!), to do vigorous physical activity/exercise, dance, furiously clean house or yard.

12. For other feelings try wailing out loud like you see in movies to express pain or loss. You may want to growl or make other noises to express what you're feeling. Be an animal and express feelings like that animal would---hiss, roar, curl up, hide, etc.

13. For self comfort, find something that represents you--a doll, a stuffed animal, and hold it, comfort it, tell it what it needs to hear. Allow that object to represent the vulnerable part of you, the Child that is scared or alone or mad. You be the adult and comfort the child.

14. When you can't sleep at night, one of the best remedies is a glass of orange juice--honest!

15. A massage can be a wonderful treat to yourself--to relax, reduce stress, pamper yourself, and be touched in a healing and non-sexual way. Helps satisfy hunger for touch.

16. Hang around people who give lots of hugs, touches. Ask for them when you need them.

17. Do something nice for someone else. Volunteer if you have spare time to give.

18. Rent old "Candid Camera" or other funny videos and have a good laugh.

19. Spend time in nature to relax your mind and heart.

20. Visit the self-help section of Barnes & Noble bookstore (or other store) to find info on any possible area of growth and healing you might need. You can sit at a table or in a big chair and read a section right in the store.

21. Check out support groups.

22. Make a tape of your version of a relaxation script to help you relax. Use it regularly. (You can also buy relaxation tapes in bookstores.)

23. Gather up pictures and other items that remind you of your spouse. Do not throw them away! But put them in a box that you can store in a closet, the garage, etc. When you do some of your grieving, you will want to go through the box at a certain time and place. You don't want to be reminded every single day every time you turn around! Your children may or may not want a photo or momento of their other parent in their room. Leave that choice to them. If you are removing photos from the rest of the house, you may ask if they would like to keep any of the things you are removing in their room.

24. Rearrange the furniture. Make the house yours. If your spouse had a favorite chair or place, put new pillows or a throw on it. Change it's position and/or appearance in any way that you can.

25. Some people find it helpful to sleep in another bed. For example, if you have a guest room, you may want to move that bed into your bedroom. Some people move the bed to a different place in the room.

26. This might be a time to paint your bedroom or family room to make it yours.

Copyright 1996 Dawn Lipthrott, Orlando, Florida
Visit Dawn and read her wonderful articles at: http://www.relationshipjourney.com

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